The P.A. System
Petty Apartheid.
Age 8.
“Non-whites may not (insert list of basic human rights).”
How could ANYONE ever have thought this was a good idea?
Where were my parents?
Why didn’t they speak up?
What were they thinking?
Pathetic Apathy.
Age 13.
So many whites knew this system was atrocious, yet only a tiny percentage dared to fight it.
Where were my parents?
Why didn’t they speak up?
What were they thinking?
Princess Airhead.
Age 17.
By the age of 14 Nadine Gordimer had figured out that something was badly wrong with the system. What took me so long to figure it out?
Why didn’t I wake up?
What was I thinking?
Privileged African.
Age 20.
Matriculated from prestigious school and obtained degree from prominent university.
I benefited directly from the system.
Why was I completely unaware of what was still going on?
Why didn’t I wake up?
What was I thinking?
Party Animal.
Age 23.
Clubs, booze and parties.
Why was I so self-absorbed?
Why didn’t I wake up?
What was I thinking?
Political Anaesthesia.
Age 27.
Awake now, but head still firmly buried in Gucci-scented sand.
Still tolerated racist, sexist South Africans.
Where was my mind?
Why didn’t I speak up?
WHAT WAS I THINKING!?
Profound Apology.
Age 35.
I’m sorry, South Africa. I let you down.
The light is now on. My head is out of the sand.
I AM NOW THINKING.
It won’t happen again.
Wonderful, Michelle! I love the way you wrote this: it is succinct, but speaks volumes.
very simple, to the point – nice style Michelle.
so according to your profile, Age 8 was 1981, I was still just one year old that year and have no recollection. I’m still trying to figure out if I have real memories of the signs and demarcated areas or not.
Do you think we chose to ignore everything that was going on, or was it a matter of being born into something and that just being normal.
There are days when I look back and feel like I was born into the biggest cult ever.
I think it’s the same old story really – people ignore things (whether consciously or not) that don’t fit in with what they expect to observe or that cause emotional reactions. It’s amazing the level of people who can think “Ag, blacks are just like dogs really.” but treat their dogs pretty well.
I don’t think Apartheid is going to happen again – in part thanks to people like Michelle who have cottoned on and will simply refuse and in part because the population at large is too self-aware and empowered to allow it but I wonder if in fifty or sixty years someone else won’t be segregated…
Rob´s last blog ..Enough with the camera shake.
I liked that! Short, concise and to the point.
@ Alex – I think that it is not so much a case of choosing to ignore, but more a case of growing up in that environment that told you that it was ok to treat people differently because of their skin colour. “We belong over here, you over there and let’s not tread on each other’s territories, ok?”. If you grew up in a house where eating bull’s testicles was not odd, you will not be grossed out by it in latter years. Its what you know and what you grew up with. Same with apartheid. Many of us were born into it and that is what we came to accept as normal.
interesting approach. What I would have liked was an answer to your questions
Brilliant Michelle!
@colleen
The problem with the answers to my questions is that they shame me to oblivion. Apartheid did not affect me adversely at the time. I had a happy childhood with no idea of what was going on around me. My parents are kind, tolerant people yet they did almost nothing to protest against the system. And the shocking horror is that the bulk of the white population was the same, so it continued. Idyllic white life running parallel to oppressed non-white life. I am so filled with remorse about that, I can hardly speak.
Yet that’s really the answer: it didn’t negatively affect the white South African population, so it was ignored by them. The same can be said about oppressed nations all over the world.
And this is the biggest reason that I struggle with my white South African identity. I am ashamed that most of us never tried to change the system. I was an ignorant coward. And I’m still searching for absolution.
if you were ignorant you can’t have been cowardly, surely, Michelle?
@colleen
I was ignorant for a very long time. Then, in my twenties, I started to wake up a bit. Apartheid had been abolished by then, but I was aware from the start of the New South Africa that mindsets had to change to make the country work. I often found myself in social or work situations where strong racist views were still rife. I hated that. Hated it to my very core, but I never once did anything about it. I never spoke up against it for fear of “making a scene”. And that’s why I say I was a coward.
People had been oppressed and killed by the very mindset I was witnessing , yet I did not have the guts to say “Stop! I won’t stand for it.”. That’s the part that embarrasses me the most.
I see, Michelle. Well to me you are wasting your time and energy feeling guilty or chewed up about something in the past you cannot now change. Obviously you have learnedyour lesson.
@colleen
Oh, I totally agree with you: I have no intention of lying about feeling sorry for myself about the issue. That would indeed be a waste of time and energy. The process of healing, I guess, involves figuring out why you feel the way you feel (which this website is enabling me to do) and then to decide what you’re going to do about it.
The thing that I feel strongly about is letting my fellow South Africans know that I do feel regret for the wrongs of the country’s past and that I am committed to being part of a more optimistic future in which I don’t simply accept the status quo because its the line of least resistance.
I haven’t figured out yet how I express or enact that commitment, but one step at a time…
I totally agree Michelle. I resonated alot with what you said and for the first time i’m openly admitting that i too feel ashamed for what my forefathers did. I chose to be ignorant towards the racism that was still very prevalent when i was at school. This after apartheid had long since passed yet people still had the same mindsets and i followed suit to a certain extent in order to fit in with my peers. It’s shocking and even though i have changed my attitude the shame still exists.
It’s also not easy to get rid of as who do you right your wrongs with? Who do you apologise to?
Fantastic entry.
Yes, apathy is a horrible thing. and most South African suffered from it. Still do I think.
I think the only way it can be set to rights – by those who feel the need to pay in some way – is going forward. nothing can be done about the past
@colleen
I do agree with that. Moving forward is the most important thing. However, I think that for me, a very big part of moving forward was to admit that I was wrong. To acknowledge that this horrific history HAPPENED. So many non-white South Africans were persecuted, oppressed or even killed for a skin colour. In my mind, acknowledgement of that to my fellow South Africans, some of whom were directly affected by apartheid, is a means of saying “I am deeply sorry. They didn’t die for nothing”. We have learned from this and we shall never allow it again.
Ackowledge. And then move on. Don’t be so quick to let bygones be bygones that you sweep stuff under the carpet.
apartheid was regrettable but I feel no personal responsibility for it. however if you do, as you do, you must find a way to make amends I suppose, Michelle.
I don’t feel responsible for apartheid. I feel responsible for my attitude towards it.
you can easily liken apartheid to nazi germany – I’m of the opinion (at least right now) that no matter which side of the fence you were on, if you accepted it you were part of the problem – to me ignorance is not an excuse, it was not something that was hidden away.
@Diva – I understand you grow up accepting what you are told, but there comes a time when you have to take step back and see what is really going on, and if you don’t come to that conclusion I believe that you are consciously ignoring it.
And I’m as guilty as everyone else, yes I was also young, but how can my age be an excuse?
I don’t think it’s so much about feeling responsibility – it’s more or less like the German people of today feel a little bad about the stuff that Hitler did. It’s not that they were SS themselves but the feeling and compassion is still here.
Personally, I like the approach Michelle is taking to her life. Makes me happy inside. If everyone was more like that when Apartheid ended so would all the poverty and most of the problems have.
@Rob, there is a line between being responsible and just feeling bad. Responsible is probably the wrong word, but I disagree that just because they were not the SS, they were directly or indirectly supportive of the powers that be, it’s “guilty by association”
of course, things like the referendum of 1992 at least were big victories for all of us, it showed that people at least did care and had some thought
was fear of the regime a factor?
Yeah – I’m not saying there needs to be a feeling of responsibility without direct involvement. Part of the problem sure.
And I’m sure fear of the regime was a problem – as was mentioned elsewhere, being seen as a “k****r boetie” wasn’t a good thing for your health. Add to that the constant indoctrination and the feeling that the regime may never end…
Rob´s last blog ..Enough with the camera shake.
I agree with you Alex. Ignorance is still a choice at the end of the day. I may not have passed the laws that saw certain races treated shockingly but i am still accountable for my own actions and there were times when i was growing up that i didn’t treat all humans equally. That’s something i am rectifying and i applaud Michelle for her perspective. It’s not an easy thing to come to terms with.
speaking of agreement – your story is up today Carla
http://www.oldtakkiesindaba.com/2009/09/01/it-was-just-petty/
Thanks
@ Alex: how can a child be held responsible for the choices of a govt he or she knew nothing about?
@colleen
Like I said, responsible may be the wrong word, but how many millions of people knew what was going on and did nothing at all for 40 years, that’s what I have a problem with.
So you’re aware that millions of people have and are dying of infection and neglect today in South Africa courtesy of HIV-AIDS and a government complicit in their death courtesy of their policies to date.
You know about it, but what have you done about it? Because this is today’s apartheid and generations to come will judge you.
The answer is you’ve probably done nothing, either for or against. It’s just happening, it’s not affecting you directly and it’s not your fault. Anyway, what can one person do, right?
Welcome to apartheid.
That’s not as black and white as you think it is Steve. The government has approved the policy on Standard antiretroviral therapy and it has caused a decrease in the amount of deaths so far so it’s been agreed that it’s working.
You can’t blame the government for the AIDS epidemic in this country. You can however, blame them for their slow reaction to getting these drugs out. Unfortunately that’s politics for you and nothing is as easy as 123.
I try to do my bit for lots of different causes my donating food and money where i can.
Love it – well done.